Driving

I drive safer in the rain
Since you died
I feel there is pressure
To stay alive
Any time I take a corner too fast
I see my mother's face
And I slow down
So as not to meet you again
Too soon

An Old Note

I was sifting through some of my computer files.... And I came across something I wrote in response to the one and only time my sister tried to harm herself. Something I never actually showed her, or told her. It's too late now, but it always was. Too late I learnt that she really did regret it. One more thing we didn't really sort out.

Why I am Angry (5/7/2001)

I am angry because you asked me to keep my feelings in a jar
I am angry because what you did was self obsessed
I am angry because you were given sympathy for it
I am angry because you had no right - you are blessed

I am angry because I got in trouble for not caring enough
I am angry because you didn't earn my concern and care
I am angry because I wasn't allowed to ask for support or help
I am angry because there is no sign of it anywhere

I am angry because we all pretend it didn't happen
I am angry because what you said about me was a lie
I am angry because you tried to put blame on me
I am angry because when I'm alone sometimes I cry

I am angry because you apologised to everyone but me
I am angry because you never even considered me
I am angry because I will never be able to say this to you
I am angry because you don't think I have a right to be

Raw

I have not forgotten you
Do not think it is all so easily erased
You have meant more
Tomorrow will be 6 months
And sometimes
I am still
Sitting in my office
The phone
A messenger
I could not shoot
My heart
Dangling from my fingers
As words fell
Through space
And hit my ears
Like burning coals
It is still so fresh
Like a wound
Who's scab
I just can't help picking
Deliberately
For fear of healing
For fear of forgetting
I don't want to forget
Let it run deep
Let it always feel
Raw